OK, you've been warned...
I've been thinking a lot about The Church lately. Before I get too far into my transcendental rant, gentle reader, allow me to define what I mean by The Church. By The Church, I mean just that--not God, but the human beings charged with delivering the Word of God to the masses and tending to God's flock.
When I was younger, I didn't much differentiate The Church from God. Traditional teachings express The Church and God as one in the same, after all. In any case, I, being a faithful follower of The Church, I listened to my pastors, absorbed the messages they delivered, even managed to (finally) pass their hard-core confirmation classes. I was proud to be part of this conservative, 'by the book' Church. I didn't know anything else.
As an adult, I find going to church far less comfortable than I did as a child. I go to church and find myself cringing more and more during sermons. For example, let's take The Church's position on homosexuality. Homosexuals are bad? Oh wait, homosexuals are not just bad, but also going to hell? We need to minister to gays to help them find their way back to God? What if they already know God? I know many God-fearing men and women (who work with me at a Catholic Healthcare institution) who are active in Christian churches....and who happen to be gay. Is that possible? Are they attending church 'under cover'? Or is it possible that God and The Church are NOT one in the same and that each "The Church" has defined its own version of right and wrong?
I strongly believe that sexuality isn't a conscious choice so much as it is a biological construct. I can state for the record I didn't wake up one morning and DECIDE to be heterosexual, any more than I woke up one morning and DECIDED to have two arms and two legs. So I struggle with being a member of a Church that damns homosexuals. If I'm right, and sexuality is a biological construct, then why stop at gays? Why not also damn someone with Downs Syndrome? Or a deformed foot? Those are biological constructs too. I know, sounds ridiculous--but allow yourself to think about it. If you're convinced that sexuality is only a social construct, then my position will make no sense, but do try to at least consider opening your mind up to my argument.
I can feel the blood pressure of my Lutheran/Catholic family starting to rise while reading this--before you delete me from your Christmas card lists, remember that free will gives us not only the right, but the responsibility to explore our freedom. So even us Missouri-Synod types need to exhale once in a while and admit that there's discussion to be had on these hard topics. ;-)
So back to exploring my discomfort:
Clearly the beliefs I have conflict with the ethos of The Church, or at least The Church as defined by the Lutheran Church Missouri Synod. But do my beliefs conflict with God? I don't think so. I've seen the work of God. I've experienced Grace that can be explained by nothing but the presence of The Divine. But I feel like The Church is packaging God in box that doesn't feel right to me anymore. God...Grace...The Divine...he/it is all around us. I feel sad for people who say "I don't believe in God" because I think what they really mean is that they don't believe in The Church. I don't know how you can watch a waterbug glide across the still surface of a lake, look into the eyes of a newborn, or watch as some takes their last breaths and not believe in a Divine presence. Science only gets you so far. I just think The Church may be making God too exclusive.
So where does this leave me? Where does this leave my girls, who were both baptized in the church with which I'm struggling? If I align with The Church, I want it to be because The Church aligns with my belief in The Divine. I don't want to just "be Christian" or "be Lutheran" because that's how I grew up. I don't want to dismiss my questions, and I don't want my girls to grow up judging the world from a haughty pedestal.
Maybe the churches I'd scoffed as a youngster are exactly the ones that would best fit me now: Unitarian, Episcopalian...generally more accepting congregations than the by-the-book, hellfire-and-brimstone congregations with which I grew up. They still provide that moral compass that is the backbone of any Christian Church, but with less judgement and social exclusivity. I'm not ready to make any kind of change yet; I'm still exploring.
Until then, I challenge you to explore the faith-related questions that may linger in your head. Go ahead--I know it's scary walking into a dark cave, but don't worry-- I'll leave the light on for ya. :-)
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